Know someone who tries to mask their anger rather than address issues directly? These tips can help you recognize passive-aggressiveness at home or work and deal with it in a healthy way.
Passive aggression, or passive aggressiveness, is when a person takes an indirect approach to expressing anger and negativity. Rather than communicating their annoyance directly, they express it via inaction, moodiness, or lack of cooperation. They might be intentionally neglectful, fail to show up when needed, or go silent in a way that leaves you feeling confused and frustrated.
Most of us act passive aggressively from time to time, sometimes without even realizing it. We often do it when we’re upset but want to minimize the risk of an actual conflict. However, this is an ineffective and typically counterproductive way of communicating. The person who is being passive aggressive never actually states their wants or needs, and just bottles up their anger. The other person is left in the dark, often perplexed and upset.
Passive aggression may seem less severe than other forms of aggression, but it can erode relationships. You may stop trusting someone who is passive aggressive because you can never tell what they want. If your partner in a romantic relationship behaves this way, you might feel isolated or unloved. In the workplace, it can undermine teamwork and contribute to an unproductive and toxic work environment.
Whether they show up in your personal or professional life, dealing with a passive-aggressive person can be exhausting. You might feel like you’re constantly walking on eggshells or stuck trying to understand what you’ve done wrong.
Coping with someone’s passive aggressiveness starts by recognizing the signs and causes of their negative behavior.
The term “passive aggressive” is often misused and mistaken for other forms of behavior. Here’s how it differs from covert and overt aggression.
Covert aggression. Covert aggression is secretive but active, not passive. Someone who spreads negative rumors at work or concocts a scheme to manipulate another person is engaging in covert aggression. The same can apply to someone who secretly vandalizes or steals property.
Overt aggression. Overt aggression involves open acts of hostility, meaning the aggressor doesn’t attempt to cover up their actions. Aggressive acts can involve anything from name-calling to physically bullying another person.
Passive aggression can show up in many different ways in your personal or professional life.
When you confront someone who is being passive aggressive, you might notice a disconnect between their behavior and their words. They might say something like, “Everything is fine. I’m not angry.” It’s possible they’re not even admitting their own negative feelings to themselves.
When left unaddressed, certain passive-aggressive acts can escalate. For example, your partner might go from giving you the occasional silent treatment to stonewalling, which involves completely withdrawing from interactions and refusing to communicate with you.
Some people who are passive aggressive may even flip the situation around entirely, positioning themselves as the victim. For instance, when you say, “I wish you had told me about the party,” they might respond with, “Give me a break! I just forgot!” This can stray into gaslighting, a form of emotional abuse in which an abuser manipulates you into self-doubt.
Passive-aggressive behavior can be a coping mechanism. It’s a way someone deals with situations in which they feel angry or upset but also unable to express those feelings. There are many reasons a person might feel they need to hide their anger and indirectly express their discontentment.
Fear of feelings. Some people believe they either need to maintain a calm, stoic demeanor or always appear happy and content. This discomfort with other emotions can often be reinforced by social norms. However, even when they’re unexpressed, emotions like anger and sadness have a way of surfacing in unintended ways.
Fear of rejection. A person with an insecure attachment style may fear they’ll be abandoned if they come off as “needy” or disagreeable in their relationships. This assumption leads them to hold back on voicing their wants and needs. But, when those needs go unmet, they can become resentful. Their bottled-up anger then comes out as passive-aggressive behavior.
Low self-esteem. A person who feels “unworthy” or “unimportant” might avoid asserting themselves. However, being passive aggressive may give them some sense of power, in that it’s likely to trigger a reaction from you.
Personality disorder. People with borderline personality disorder may experience intense anger but also fear abandonment, a combination of traits that can lead to passive aggression.
Vulnerable or covert narcissists tend to struggle with low self-esteem and can become defensive when criticized, often resorting to passive-aggressive communication.
Some narcissists go far beyond passive aggression and aim to belittle, gaslight, or even bully you to prop up their own ego. This type of abuse can leave you disoriented, hurt, and weary. If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, you might be tempted to stay and endure the abuse. But since a narcissist often feels very little guilt or shame, the healthier path may be to leave.
When dealing with passive-aggressive people, it’s important to understand their patterns of behavior and what might be fueling them. In some cases, the person may not be aware of their behavior and will try to change after you explain how it makes you feel.
However, it’s also possible they’ll fail to acknowledge their passive aggression, especially if they’re in a position of authority or if the behavior is associated with a personality disorder. In this case, the best strategy is to set healthy boundaries with the person.
Passive-aggressiveness can come in many forms. So, the first step is to recognize the signs of passive-aggressive behavior and consider what’s causing it.
Look for their patterns and triggers. Sometimes the behavior and common causes are obvious. Your coworker sulks whenever you give them feedback. Your partner “forgets” to put gas in the car any time they’re annoyed with you. Once you’re aware of how and when the person’s passive aggression behavior seems to manifest, you can better prepare yourself to address the issue.
Consider nonverbal cues. Sometimes, it can be hard to tell if someone is actually being passive aggressive. Could you be you mistaking your partner’s pensive mood for the silent treatment? Is a coworker upset, or did they genuinely forget to show up to a meeting? You can look for clues in the person’s body language. Your partner might give you an unusually rigid hug, for example. Or your coworker clenches their jaw, avoids eye contact, or folds their arms across their chest, indicating they’re upset with you.
Consider the thoughts and feelings behind their actions. They’re angry about something, and, for some reason, they’re avoiding a direct confrontation. They might be afraid of an argument or expressing anger. Maybe they believe you should be able to discern their needs without being told. Or perhaps they simply don’t know how to communicate those needs. Also consider that they could be unaware of what they’re doing and may need concrete examples. Weighing these possibilities can help bring you into a more empathetic and patient mindset.
[Read: Empathy: How to Feel and Respond to the Emotions of Others]
The antidote to passive aggression is often frank discussion. But that may be easier said than done. The other person may become defensive and deny their behavior, use sarcasm to deflect, or genuinely be oblivious to what they’ve done. Whatever their reaction, you’ll need to keep your own frustration under control.
Rather than resort to saying or doing things that could drive the two of you further apart, use these steps to develop a plan to keep your cool.
Tune into your own emotions. Think back to the last time someone’s passive-aggressive manner got under your skin. What are some signs that your own anger is rising? Do your thoughts begin to race? Do you feel tension in certain areas of your body? If you can recognize and accept anger in yourself, you’ll have an easier time applying the next two steps.
Don’t follow their lead. Consider the ways in which you might unwittingly reinforce the other person’s behavior. Do you often mirror their cold silences? When they seem clueless to their behavior, do you overact with angry outbursts? Make a conscious decision to not do anything that will fuel the flames. You’ll want to replace your own aggressive reactions with calmer explanations of how you feel or how you’d like to be treated.
Know ways to calm yourself. Have some go-to strategies to quickly calm yourself down. The quickest way to relieve stress in the moment is through movement or by employing your senses—sight, sound, taste, smell, touch. That could mean savoring the smell of fresh coffee, taking a walk, chewing a piece of gum, or looking at photos of your kids or a pet. Experiment with different sensory experiences to find the quick stress relief technique that works best for you.
When you’re ready to have a conversation about the person’s passive-aggressiveness, you’ll need to be considerate about the message, setting, and timing. A little forethought can help improve the odds of a positive outcome.
Be clear on what you want to express. If you feel nervous about starting the conversation, you might find it helpful to jot down some of your thoughts beforehand. Free writing can help you organize your thoughts and focus on the actual message you want to share. Ask yourself:
Aim for a face-to-face interaction. Communicating through indirect means, such as texting, has the potential to exacerbate misunderstandings. However, you might use a text or email to communicate that a discussion is needed and to set a time and place.
Minimize distractions. Don’t initiate the chat when your spouse is focused on getting the kids ready for school, for example, or when your coworker is rushing to meet a deadline. You want to have the conversation at a time when you’re both able to give it your full attention.
Prioritize privacy. This can be especially important in the workplace. You don’t want the discussion with a coworker to be a public spectacle for the rest of your team. If possible, ask for a moment of their time in a separate room or after work.
When the time is right for a discussion, initiating it can be a little awkward. Here are some tips for starting the conversation.
Lead with soft curiosity. Saying something like, “You’re being so irritable,” can come off as presumptuous and spark defensiveness. Instead, try:
Be direct and explain how their behavior makes you feel. This is especially appropriate when the passive aggressive behavior is obvious or part of an ongoing trend. If you take this approach, express yourself through “I” and “me” statements. “I feel confused and uncertain how to respond when you ignore me. What can we do to address the issue?” You want to reassure them they can safely express their feelings and that conflicts can be resolved together.
Anticipate denial. The other person may deny being angry or make an excuse to avoid a deeper conversation. In this case, you can back off and try again if the behavior continues in the future. Don’t feel too discouraged. By reaching out, you’re letting them know you can see the anger they’ve been trying to hide.
Once the other person agrees to open up about what’s bothering them, there are some ways to ensure the conversation is as productive as possible.
Be an active listener. Rather than think about how you’re going to counter their words, really be present and listen to what’s bothering them. Aim to be empathetic and see their perspective, even if the way they’ve been expressing their anger has upset you. You might find that beneath their behavior are feelings of helplessness or inadequacy.
Be respectful. Try to avoid making accusatory remarks or labeling them, such as calling them “passive aggressive.” This might only make them more defensive. Body language cues, such as rolling your eyes, can also make things worse and escalate their anger. Again, it’s important to know when your own agitation is rising and then take steps to calm down.
Know when to deescalate. If your coworker or partner responds sarcastically to something you say, consider returning to the strategy that you used to initiate the conversation—acknowledge their anger and ask a sincere open-ended question. The question might be something as simple as asking for clarification on what they’re upset about. If it feels like you’ve hit a wall, though, you might end the conversation with something like, “Maybe we can talk about this again later?”
When possible, you can end the conversation with a proposal to compromise or improve communication. Know that the other person may not drop the habits immediately, but take note of good faith attempts at change.
Brainstorm solutions together. If the other person uses passive-aggressive communication because they think you’re too temperamental to confront directly, for example, brainstorm solutions. You could both agree to certain ground rules, such as no shouting, condescending comments, or distractions during conversations.
Use humor. Humor can help give you both perspective on the issue, create a sense of intimacy, and reduce conflict and tension. A little self-directed laughter can be disarming, and a reference to an inside joke between the two of you can help you bond. Just avoid teasing the other person about their behavior.
Know your limits. It’s not your job to “fix” the person with passive-aggressive behavior, even if they are your partner or closest friend. If their behavior doesn’t change or they don’t acknowledge their issues, you might need to establish communication boundaries. You can give specific guidelines on how you expect to be treated, and what the consequences are if they cross those boundaries.
Recognize abuse and bullying. Although they’re not as obvious as overt aggression, both covert aggression and passive aggression can contribute to manipulation and emotional abuse. So, if you’re in a relationship with someone who consistently uses these tactics, you may want to consider ways to safely end the relationship. Read: How to Get Out of an Abusive Relationship.
It can be difficult to deal with a passive-aggressive boss or supervisor if you worry they’ll punish you or damage your career if you speak up. However, there are ways to cope, even if you feel unable to confront them directly.
Minimize interactions. This can be an effective route if you can do so without neglecting your work responsibilities. When you do need to work alongside them or communicate via email, take an emotionally neutral approach to their passive aggression. Prioritize professionalism, and don’t allow their anger to become your anger.
Nurture your workplace connections. Shift your focus to building relationships with coworkers who are supportive and helpful. Ask them for help on work tasks, invite them to do the same, and always express your appreciation.
Ask questions when you’re uncertain about a task. Seeking specific answers can help you sidestep a passive-aggressive supervisor’s attempts to keep you in the dark or exclude you.
Document your interactions. Take objective notes of what your manager says to you and keep any passive-aggressive emails or voice messages. This can make it easier for you to deal with vague, confusing instructions or other bullying tactics. It can also help you show proof of their behavior if you decide to bring the issue to HR or your boss’s superior.
Dealing with a passive-aggressive person can be a draining experience. But try to keep things in perspective: You can’t change another person’s behavior for them. Regardless of whether they decide to make a change, aim to protect your own sense of well-being and peace by building resilience. Invest in self-care and shift your focus to healthier connections—relationships in which open dialogue is a shared goal.
If you are guilty of passive-aggressiveness, you can learn how to replace it with healthier ways of communicating that strengthen your relationships at home, work, or school instead of damaging them. Read: How to Stop Being Passive Aggressive.
Last updated or reviewed on August 29, 2024
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