How to Stop Being Passive Aggressive

Am I passive aggressive?

Passive-aggressive behavior involves indirectly expressing negative emotions. Instead of telling other people that you’re angry or hurt, you rely on subtle acts of defiance, resistance, or neglect. For example, if you don’t like something your friend said, you might give them the cold shoulder or delay responding to their text messages. If you feel like a coworker’s criticism was too harsh, you might pretend like you didn’t hear it and intentionally do a bad job on the next assignment.

You may also:

• “Forget” to take your partner’s clothes out of the washing machine when you’re mad at them.
• Refuse to make eye contact or pretend to “space out” during conversation, annoying your friend.
• Intentionally wait until the last minute to tell your coworker about an important task that needs to be done

When the other person suspects you’re upset and questions you, you might simply deny it or have an excuse or rationalization prepared.

Unlike other forms of aggression, passive aggression typically involves an element of inaction. Although it can also involve making sarcastic comments or backhanded compliments, such as, “Nice car! I’m surprised you could afford it.”

Has someone accused you of being passive aggressive?

If so, you might feel a little defensive about their accusation. But know that many of us resort to this type of behavior at some point, often without even realizing it.

Fortunately, you’re not fated to be a passive-aggressive communicator forever. If you’re willing to reflect, grow, and practice, you can adopt a healthier approach that fosters positive, respectful relationships.

Consequences of passive aggression

Almost all of us are passive aggressive from time to time. But when it becomes your go-to approach for conflict situations, it can have real consequences on your relationships.

The immediate effect of passive aggression is that the other person may feel confused or frustrated. They might ultimately brush it off and let it go. However, when you’re consistently passive aggressive, it can damage your closest ties. Your coworkers may ostracize you as you gain a reputation for being uncooperative. Or your partner starts to mirror your poor communication habits, creating a larger rift between you.

On top of that, you’ll rarely get the support, reassurance, or understanding that you want. Your needs won’t be met because you’re not actually expressing them. However, by understanding the underlying causes of your passive-aggressive behavior, you can start to make positive changes and improve your relationships.

What’s causing you to be passive aggressive?

Passive aggression can be a learned behavior. You might be able to trace your behavior back to your parents’ habits. Perhaps you grew up in a household in which passive aggression was the norm. Your parents might’ve had a habit of avoiding conflict and concealing anger, so you’ve adopted their ways.

However, oftentimes, the behavior is fear-driven. You might be afraid to fully express yourself, and your passive-aggressive actions are a coping mechanism to deal with that fear. For example, if you grew up with physically or emotionally abusive parents, conflict avoidance may have kept you safe. Bottling up your negative emotions seemed like the only way to avoid retaliation. Now, you apply that approach to any perceived conflict, even when you’re in a safe relationship. Ultimately, though, it’s an ineffective approach that eventually makes matters worse.

Here are a few other fear-driven causes of passive aggression:

• Fear of negative feelings. Maybe you’ve internalized the idea that you must always remain stoic, pleasant, or content. When negative emotions seem “taboo,” you try to suppress them.
• Fear of intimacy. You might have difficulty being vulnerable or intimate with others because you see it as a route to dependency or disappointment. That fear leads you to avoid sharing when you’re upset or hurt.
• Fear of rejection or abandonment. If you have an insecure attachment style, you might believe that asserting yourself or setting boundaries will result in other people pushing you away.

Other contributing factors

• Anxiety disorders can worsen any of the fears listed above. For instance, if you have social anxiety, an intense fear of being judged or criticized by others can be another barrier to honest self-expression.
• Low self-regard or low self-esteem can also lead to passive-aggressive tendencies. Perhaps you feel like your wants and needs are less important than those of others, so you never speak up. However, you still have a growing sense of resentment as people continually cross your unexpressed boundaries.
• Depression may be connected to self-directed passive-aggressive behavior. This is when you punish yourself through self-neglect or self-sabotage.

Passive-aggressive personality disorder

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) used to include a diagnosis for a condition called passive-aggressive personality disorder (PAPD). The most recent version of the DSM dropped this diagnosis, citing the need for additional research. However, passive-aggressive behavior can be a common trait in other personality disorders.

For instance, borderline personality disorder or narcissistic personality disorder can contribute to passive-aggression communication because you either fear abandonment or are extremely sensitive to criticism.

How to curb passive aggressiveness

Because passive-aggressive behavior may have started in childhood, it can be difficult to let go of your habits. But it is possible.

The path to healthier communication starts with building self-awareness. Then, you can begin to reframe your perception of anger. Finally, replace passive-aggressive behavior with more assertive habits.

Tip 1: Build awareness of your hidden anger

Like other feelings, anger can be a messenger. It’s letting you know that a need isn’t being met or some boundary—whether expressed or unexpressed—is being crossed. For instance, your anger may be due to feeling rejected, disrespected, or overlooked. However, you can’t begin to reflect on the messages if you have a habit of suppressing the messenger.

Practice being mindful of your anger. You may be so used to hiding your anger that it’s hard for you to recognize it in yourself. Take a minute to think about a time you were angry. Jot down some of your physical cues. Some common signs of rising anger include:

• Physical tension and stiffening, such as a clenched jaw or fist.
• Loss of appetite.
• A warm or hot sensation in your face.
• Trembling, pacing, tapping your foot.
• Change in vocal tone.

Consider how anger manifests in your thinking patterns. You may experience looping thoughts about the issue. Or your thoughts may seem jumbled and racing, making it difficult for you to focus. You might even find yourself obsessively recounting an argument or imagining yourself confronting the other person.

Know that when these signs of anger are present, there’s a want or need present, and you could be overlooking it—and resorting to passive-aggressive tactics.

Tip 2: Connect your passive-aggressive triggers and actions

Passive-aggressive behavior can be so deeply ingrained that you may not realize when you engage in it. The following exercise can help you become more aware of your passive-aggressive habits and how they may be counterproductive. Be as honest as possible as you try this exercise.

Write down some examples of situations in which you felt angry. You might often feel upset when your partner seems inattentive or when a coworker talks down to you. As you write down your own examples, look for patterns to emerge, common triggers or situations that make you angry.

Write down what thoughts were going through your head when you were angry. What’s some of your common internal dialogue? When your partner is inattentive, you may think, “She never listens to me. What I’m saying isn’t important to her.” When a coworker talks down to you, you might tell yourself, “He thinks I’m a child. Why do I always let him walk all over me?”

Within these thoughts and feelings, you’ll likely find some unexpressed want or need, such as wanting to be heard or respected.

How did you react in each situation? Be as honest as possible. Did you retaliate by giving your partner the silent treatment? Did you neglect work duties to slow down your teammates? Did you engage in another type of passive-aggressive behavior?

Explore the outcomes. Did being passive aggressive feel good to you? Even if it felt good, did it lead to a long-term resolution? How might your actions have affected that specific relationship or made the other person feel? How might things have gone differently had you directly communicated your feelings?

Tip 3: Reframe your view of anger and conflict

Passive-aggressive behavior often shows up when you try to stifle your anger. But why are you stifling your anger? Perhaps you associate anger with yelling, screaming, or throwing objects. Maybe you see it as an emotion that you shouldn’t express or cannot express without some consequence.

Consider the role of old wounds. Conflict-avoidant tendencies often start in childhood, so it’s important to reexamine your past. Reflect on how your parents or primary caregivers expressed anger. How might they have served as models for your current behavior? Did your family tend to sidestep arguments but make subtle jabs at one another? Or was anger always loudly expressed?

In the latter case, conflict probably came in the form of explosive interactions. But it’s important to remember that you can move beyond these patterns and find healthier ways to express your anger.

Know that you have many options in how you express anger. Aggression and passive aggression can both be destructive and counterproductive forms of expressing anger. It is possible to communicate your feelings without flying off the handle in a knee-jerk way, being verbally or physically intimidating, or behaving in a snide, passive-aggressive way. Even when someone pushes your buttons, you can choose how you respond.

The first step is to find a way to cool down quickly before your anger prompts you to behave in a negative way.

• Have some quick stress relief strategies in mind. Curb rising anger in the moment through deep breathing, counting slowly to ten, or focusing on your senses: Listen to a calming piece of music, massage your tension points, look at a favorite photo, or smell the fresh air outside.
• Write it out. If you’re angry and ruminating on an issue, consider writing it down in a journal or typing it in a note on your phone. Write about the situation that’s bothering you, as well as your thoughts and feelings. This can serve as a quick and private emotional outlet.
• Get moving. Whether it’s going for a run or hitting a punching bag, some people find that physical activity helps release tension. Regular exercise also has plenty of other benefits, such as improving self-esteem, helping you to sleep better, and reducing stress and anxiety.

Once you feel calmer, you can move onto using assertive communication and conflict resolution skills instead of passive-aggressive behavior.

Develop your conflict resolution skills. Your passive-aggressive behavior might be an attempt to avoid direct confrontation. But there are ways to manage conflict so that it strengthens rather than damages a relationship. Conflict doesn’t have to result in a “winner” and a “loser.” Instead, it can be an opportunity to work together to find a solution.

Conflict resolutions skills involve:

• Building emotional intelligence so you can manage all of your feelings appropriately.
• Improving how you communicate, especially how well you read and interpret nonverbal body language in the heat of a disagreement.
• Being fully present and really listening to the other person.
• Picking your battles carefully.
• Learning how to be more forgiving.
• Using humor to diffuse tension, reframe the problem, and bring things into perspective.

Tip 4: Take the assertive route to manage passive-aggressiveness

Assertiveness is the healthier alternative to passiveness and aggressiveness. Practice voicing your needs and setting boundaries in a way that’s respectful but clear to those around you.

Take your time. Avoid talking over the person because you feel like you’re in the right. Agree to take turns expressing yourselves. When it’s your turn to listen, aim to give the person your undivided attention and withhold judgment.

Be specific. The other person can’t read your mind, so when voicing your feelings and needs, be detailed. If you catch yourself using generalized words, like “I feel like it’s always up to me to clean the kitchen,” consider rephrasing your message. It might even help to journal your thoughts before the conversation, so you can zero in on what you’re specifically asking for.

Steer clear of aggressive language. Use “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory. Try “I feel upset when you say that,” rather than, “You always put me down.” Your body language also matters. Try to relax your body rather than angrily gesturing at the person.

Look for examples of people in your life who are assertive and direct. Take note of how they engage with others. Consider their tone and word choice. How often do they pause to listen? Do they use humor to deescalate tense situations? What’s their body language like? The next time you need to calmly assert yourself, you might imagine how that person would handle the situation.

Practice. Try asserting yourself in low-stakes situations first. Maybe you politely let a coworker know that their loud music is disrupting your concentration. Or perhaps you let a partner know that it’s their turn to walk the dog. It may feel intimidating at first, but know that assertiveness, just like passive aggression, is a behavior you can learn.

In time, you can progress to setting healthy boundaries. Boundaries are important to any relationship because they empower you, clarify expectations and limits, and separate your wants and needs from those of other people.

Tip 5: Accept responsibility

It’s hard to drop an ingrained bad habit. So, don’t expect to become a master of assertive communication overnight. Be patient with yourself and keep the following in mind.

Build your self-esteem. If you still expect quarrels of any size to lead to people abandoning you, it can be difficult to assert yourself. But, the more you bolster your self-esteem, the easier it can be to move beyond your passive-aggressive habits.

• Engage in hobbies and activities you enjoy, but also aim to challenge yourself with new goals. If you enjoy playing the piano, for example, try a new instrument.
• Identify and challenge common cognitive distortions, or unhelpful, negative ways of thinking. What are the negative things you tell yourself, the false expectations or predictions that keep you awake at night? You’re not powerless over your thoughts and you can learn to change how you talk to yourself.
• Find ways to be kind to yourself. Instead of focusing on your perceived shortcomings, you can build self-compassion and counter the negative voices in your head. Try our mindfulness meditation.
• Look for ways to expand your support social network. The companionship and support provided by good friends can help you feel connected, heard, and understood, and boost your self-confidence.
• Strengthen your current relationships. This could involve anything from spending more recreational time together to seeking couple’s counseling. Building more trust in others can make it easier to communicate openly and honestly.

Seek therapy. If you’re having a hard time dropping your passive aggression, consider working with a therapist who can help you explore the roots of your behavior and develop healthier habits. Therapy can also be useful if your behavior seems associated with an issue like depression, anxiety, or a personality disorder.

Know when and how to apologize. Saying sorry can be difficult but necessary if you slip back into passive-aggressive habits. Acknowledge the behavior and express remorse. Explain what led you to act the way you did to clear up any confusion. “I felt overlooked, but I didn’t know how to express my irritation, so I left your food out.” Go a step further and offer to make amends. Maybe the two of you agree to new communication rules that can bring you closer and improve your relationship.